Thursday, January 15, 2026
Summary
President Trump's "Donroe Doctrine" revives historical foreign policies, but with less 'speak softly' and more 'comically large stick-waving'! HONK!
Full Story
🧩 Simple Version
Picture this: Way back in 1823, President James Monroe basically put a big, invisible "No Europe Allowed!" sign on the Western Hemisphere. It was like a cosmic game of 'Keep Out!' for all the fancy European empires. Boing!
Fast forward a few decades, and along stomps President Theodore Roosevelt, handlebar mustache bristling. He loved the Monroe Doctrine but thought it needed a little... oomph. So, he added the "Big Stick" policy. Think of it: "Speak softly," he'd whisper, almost imperceptibly, "and carry a big stick." The stick was for emergencies, not for whacking first!
Now, fast-forward to our current President, Donald J. Trump, who apparently looked at Teddy's stick, said, "Mine's bigger!" and decided the "speak softly" part was entirely optional, perhaps even a suggestion. He's reportedly calling his version the "Donroe Doctrine," which sounds less like foreign policy and more like a new dance craze or a superhero with a terrible secret identity.
🎭 The Giggle Spin
So, President Trump, our fearless leader, has apparently unearthed these dusty old history scrolls and decided, "These are perfect for today's geopolitical dumpster fire!" He's wielding the Monroe Doctrine like a forgotten prop from a Shakespearean play, declaring that Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro's actions were a "gross violation" of principles that now, apparently, include the 'Donroe Doctrine'. Who knew?
Imagine the scene: Trump at a press conference, probably holding up a crayon drawing of a really big stick, announcing, "We've superseded the Monroe Doctrine, folks, by a real lot! They now call it the 'Donroe Doctrine'!" Dramatic gasp! It’s like discovering your grandma's old recipes, but instead of baking cookies, you're making nuclear hot fudge sundaes!
Historians are clutching their pearls, muttering about how Teddy Roosevelt, bless his diplomatic heart, actually preferred talking things out before unleashing the giant, intimidating battleship fleet. Trump, however, seems to have flipped the script. It’s less "speak softly" and more "YELL LOUDLY WHILE SMASHING EVERYTHING WITH THE BIGGEST STICK I CAN FIND!" CRASH! Poor Venezuela and Greenland are just minding their own business, when suddenly, BAM! They're part of a historical remix no one asked for.
✅ Giggle Reality Check
Alright, let's dial back the clown horn for a second. The Monroe Doctrine (1823), penned by President James Monroe, basically told European powers to stay out of the Western Hemisphere. It was the U.S. staking its claim as a major player in its own neighborhood. Sniff, sniff... smells like manifest destiny!
Then came President Theodore Roosevelt, who took Monroe's polite suggestion and gave it a muscular makeover. His Roosevelt Corollary (1904) justified U.S. intervention in Latin America, but historians like Jon Alterman point out that TR still prioritized "slow, patient diplomacy." He famously sent the "Great White Fleet" around the world, not to start a fight, but to show off America's shiny new battleships. It was all about projection, less about actual punching.
President Trump's current moves, including capturing Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro and his interest in acquiring Greenland, are being linked to these historical policies. However, experts like Michael Cullinane note that Trump often skips the "speak softly" part entirely. Cullinane suggests that Trump "didn't conduct diplomacy before using the big stick. He just used the big stick." It's less Teddy Roosevelt, more like Woodrow Wilson's "gunboat diplomacy", where U.S. Marines were sent marching into places like Haiti and the Dominican Republic without much chit-chat.
"Roosevelt supported international arbitration. ... That is very different from how Donald Trump is approaching international relations," declared Michael Cullinane, chair of Theodore Roosevelt studies.
So, while the historical doctrines exist, Trump's application is seen by many as a radical departure from their original diplomatic intent. He's reportedly "cherry-picking" history to fit his transactional foreign policy, according to Douglas Brinkley. It’s like using a historical cookbook but only following the instructions for "add more sugar" and "set oven to incinerate."
😂 Why This Is Hilarious
The sheer absurdity of dusting off 19th-century doctrines and rebranding them as the "Donroe Doctrine" is a comedy goldmine. It's like finding your grandpa's old leisure suit and declaring it the height of modern fashion. The contrast between Teddy Roosevelt's measured, deliberate diplomacy and Trump's reported "big stick, no speaky" approach is a perfect recipe for a cosmic chuckle.
It's hilarious because it highlights humanity's endless capacity to reinterpret history to fit current narratives, often with all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop. We're witnessing a historical reenactment where the main actor decided to go off-script, set fire to the props, and then claim he invented theater. The fact that spheres of influence are making a "return" only adds to the farcical notion that we're stuck in a geopolitical time loop, endlessly repeating our most chaotic hits. Wheee!