Friday, December 26, 2025
Summary
North and South Korea are in a nuclear submarine spat, launching underwater giants like it's a very serious, very splashy rubber duck race.
Full Story
🧩 ### Simple Version
North Korea went all out with a grand reveal, shouting, "Look! An 8,700-ton nuclear submarine!" Leader Kim Jong Un, likely with a dramatic flourish, declared it's for defense against all the bad vibes floating around. He then immediately pointed a finger at South Korea for wanting their own.
Not to be outdone, South Korea exclaimed, "Oh, we're doing subs too!" With a nod from U.S. President Donald Trump, they're now furiously trying to assemble their own super-duper nuclear subs. The U.S. is just casually reminding everyone that allies should probably pay for their own fancy toys now, and maybe keep an eye on other big fish in the pond. Boing!
### The Giggle Spin
Imagine a colossal, high-stakes game of "Battleship" where the pieces are actual nuclear submarines and the players are two Koreas with a flair for the dramatic! HONK! HONK! Kim Jong Un, in what we can only assume was a sequined uniform, dramatically unveiled his new 8,700-ton underwater beast, probably to the tune of a kazoo orchestra. He declared it was for "defense," which, coming from him, is like a toddler saying a crayon is for "art" right before drawing on the wall. Giggle!
South Korea, not one to be out-shenanigans'd, immediately yelled, "We want one too!" After getting the presidential equivalent of a gold star sticker from U.S. President Trump, they're now scrambling to build their own submarine squad. They're even asking Uncle Sam for some military-grade nuclear juice, probably hoping it tastes like cherry soda. The U.S., meanwhile, is just shrugging its shoulders, saying, "Hey, you guys wanna keep an eye on that really big, grumpy shark over there with your new subs? It'd be great for 'combined goals'!" It's a grand aquatic circus, where everyone's building bigger rubber ducks, hoping they don't accidentally pop anyone.
### Giggle Reality Check
Alright, let's untangle this underwater spaghetti. North Korea did unveil a very real and imposing 8,700-ton nuclear-powered strategic guided missile submarine. This was a significant development, as it was the first time they disclosed its tonnage and showcased a seemingly completed hull since declaring their nuclear sub ambitions in 2021.
Their supreme leader, Kim Jong Un, stated its purpose was to defend against a "negative security situation," simultaneously condemning South Korea's pursuit of similar vessels as an "offensive act." Ironically, South Korea received approval from U.S. President Donald Trump in October 2025 to develop its own nuclear-powered submarines. Subsequently, Seoul launched a task force and is seeking a pact with the U.S. for military-grade nuclear fuel.
The U.S. is supporting this, urging allies to take on more of their defense burden, and views potential South Korean nuclear subs as crucial for countering what the U.S. considers its "pacing threat," China. South Korean President Lee Jae Myung even obliquely referenced China during his summit with Trump, noting the limitations of diesel subs in tracking vessels "toward the direction of the North and China." His office later clarified this wasn't a direct accusation.
Adding to the plot twist, a March 2025 poll revealed that less than half of Koreans trust the U.S. to use nuclear weapons if North Korea attacks, leading a majority to support South Korea's own nuclear armament. Political scientists, like Kim Heungkyu, suggest that nuclear-powered submarines could be an "entry point toward a much bigger goal" of nuclear self-reliance for South Korea, despite the government's official denials.
### Why This Is Hilarious
This whole deep-sea drama is a comedy of errors, isn't it? It's like watching two hyperactive toddlers try to out-muscle each other with increasingly elaborate, incredibly expensive sandcastles, only these sandcastles can launch missiles! The sheer audacity of the situation, with countries developing world-altering weaponry while simultaneously trying to play innocent, is peak human absurdity. It's a cosmic joke where everyone's trying to look tough, but mostly just making very loud, very wet splashes in the global bathtub.