Wednesday, December 24, 2025
Summary
New Epstein files unleash a comedic whirlwind of denied allegations against President Trump, featuring a limo driver, a mystery, and a whole lotta nope from the White House.
Full Story
🧩 Simple Version
So, picture this: a giant, glitter-filled filing cabinet, right? And it suddenly BARFS out some old, dusty papers, and BOING! out pops a wild allegation against President Trump!
Apparently, some super-secret FBI scroll from 2020 mentioned a woman pointing a finger at him regarding the whole Epstein hullabaloo. Then, a limo driver from way back in the 90s suddenly remembers a phone call so bananas, he almost pulled over the stretch-limo and gave a presidential passenger a good old-fashioned talking-to. The White House, naturally, burst out laughing and yelled, "Nuh-uh! Fake news! POOF! Gone!"
The Giggle Spin
Imagine a tiny, exasperated FBI agent, armed with a magnifying glass the size of a pizza, sifting through the Epstein files, when suddenly a document practically screams, "TRUMP! RAPE ALLEGATIONS! GASP!"
Meanwhile, somewhere in a parallel universe, a limo driver from 1995 is having a déjà vu moment so intense, his mustache wiggles with existential dread! He's recounting a phone call where President Trump, then just "Mr. Trump," was supposedly babbling about "Jeffrey" and "abusing some girl." The driver was so horrified he almost ejected the future president like a faulty toast pop-up!
The Department of Justice, presumably wearing capes and shouting "NOT IN MY WATCH!", immediately declared the claims as "unfounded" and "sensationalist," as if the entire file was just a discarded script for a very very bad B-movie. They basically waved a magic wand and yelled, "These claims have all the credibility of a talking squirrel on a unicycle!"
Giggle Reality Check
Alright, settle down, buttercups! The actual story, through the confetti haze, is that new documents from Jeffrey Epstein’s estate include an FBI file (EFTA00020518, circa October 2020) containing allegations against then-private citizen Donald Trump.
A redacted woman reportedly claimed Trump "raped me" alongside Jeffrey Epstein. She also stated she wouldn't contact police because "they will kill me," and was later found deceased with a fatal head injury, ruled self-inflicted. Her identity remains a mystery, redacted from the files.
The same document features an interview with a limo driver who recalled a "very concerning" 1995 phone call where Trump repeatedly mentioned "Jeffrey" and alluded to "abusing some girl." The driver was so disturbed he considered pulling over his limousine.
The Department of Justice and the White House have categorically denied these claims, labeling them "unfounded and false" and "untrue and sensationalist." President Trump, speaking from Mar-a-Lago, blamed political opponents for trying to "deflect from the tremendous success" of the Republican Party, suggesting photos with Epstein don't imply wrongdoing.
Why This Is Hilarious
This whole kerfuffle is peak human absurdity, isn't it? We have a former president, a mysterious death, a dramatically conflicted limo driver, and a government agency essentially yelling,
"LALALALA, WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!"