Wednesday, December 17, 2025
Summary
Trump's chief-of-staff declared his Epstein file entries are just *innocent playboy stuff*, not *awful* stuff. Pinky swear!
Full Story
🧩 Simple Version
Okay, so imagine a very serious person, let's call her Chief Waffles, spilling the beans about a very un-serious person, President Donny Doodad. Chief Waffles was chatting with a fancy magazine and totally admitted that Donny Doodad’s name is totally, absolutely, 100% in those mysterious, whisper-whisper Epstein files.
But POOF! She clapped her hands and declared, “He didn’t do anything awful!” She then explained that Donny and Mr. Epstein were just “young, single playboys” together, like two cartoon characters at a high-society pool party. Boing!
She even mentioned he was on a plane manifest, probably heading to a very boring business meeting, definitely not a secret island full of party hats. She also waved away a story about a spicy birthday card with a nude lady outline, saying, “Nope! Not his!” like a magician denying a rabbit trick.
Meanwhile, Donny Doodad himself is suing a newspaper for gazillions over said card, yelling, "I don't draw pictures! I just build towers!" It's all very much a high-stakes game of charades, with everyone wearing oversized clown shoes.
The Giggle Spin
So, a White House staffer, let's call her Susie "The Spoiler" Wiles, was trapped in a velvet-lined interrogation room with Vanity Fair reporters. She probably had a tiny spotlight shining on her, dramatic music swelling in the background!
She then dramatically confirmed that President Trump's name is indeed etched into the legendary "Epstein files," probably in glitter glue, because, of course it is. But then, with a flourish worthy of a Broadway musical, she declared it was all innocent "playboy" stuff. "He was on a plane!" she shrieked, as if that explained everything. "Just two single lads, gallivanting with briefcases full of… tax documents!"
And then there's the infamous Lewd Birthday Card Scandal! Susie waved her hand dismissively, like shooing a fly, saying it couldn't possibly be true. Trump, meanwhile, is suing The Wall Street Journal for a cool $20 billion, probably because the card didn't have enough gold leaf or his face airbrushed onto a flying eagle.
It's a chaotic ballet of denials, accusations, and possibly a phantom nude drawing. Someone cue the circus music! HONK HONK! It's less a political saga and more a clown car spilling its contents onto the global stage.
Giggle Reality Check
Alright, time for a quick splash of slightly less fizzy truth! Susie Wiles, President Donald Trump's chief of staff, told Vanity Fair that Trump's name is indeed in the "Epstein files," which she claims to have reviewed. She adamantly stated he didn't do "anything awful," explaining they were "young, single playboys together" and that Trump was on Epstein's plane manifest.
This conversation occurred as Congress demanded the public release of these files, which have shadowed Trump's second term. Wiles also dismissed reports from The Wall Street Journal about a lewd birthday card allegedly sent by Trump to Epstein in 2003, featuring a nude outline and suggestive dialogue.
She asserted the card "is not his," a sentiment echoed by Trump himself, who is now suing the publication for a staggering $20 billion over the report, calling it "fake." Interestingly, Wiles also contradicted Trump's unsubstantiated claim that Bill Clinton visited Epstein's island "28 times," saying "there is no evidence" and that "the president was wrong."
The Justice Department is set to release more Epstein files by December 19, following the "Epstein Files Transparency Act" signed by Trump. Post-interview, Wiles lambasted the Vanity Fair profile as a "disingenuously framed hit piece," adding another layer to the chaotic narrative.
Why This Is Hilarious
This whole situation is a cosmic giggle because it’s a masterclass in deflection, denial, and just plain awkwardness. The image of a high-ranking official saying the President was just a "young, single playboy" in the context of the Epstein files is pure comedy gold.
Then, adding a phantom nude birthday card, a $20 billion lawsuit, and a "my boss was wrong about that thing" moment makes it a perfectly chaotic sitcom episode where everyone's trying to clean up a glitter explosion with a leaf blower. It's a testament to how wild reality can be when you squint just right.